YDH (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} adamopoulos) wrote,@ 2006-07-27 00:41:00 |
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A Collection of Short Stories
Good evening. Welcome to Scharfer-piece Theater. Tonight's entry will consist of a series of short entries. A.D.D. readers rejoice!
YDH vs. A Moderately Attractive Hospital Nurse
A couple of weeks ago, at our company picnic, a coworker and friend of mine named Glen severely injured his leg during our annual kickball game. The ground was wet from an earlier storm, and he lost his footing and ended up dislocating his knee pretty badly. To make a long story short, 911 was called, ambulances came, and Glen was transported to Mt. Vernon Hospital. I, along with two others, followed the ambulance to wait with Glen at the hospital until his family arrived.
Since his family was coming from Stafford (a good forty-five minutes away), we stood to be there for some time. They told the three of us that only one person could go see Glen at the time because there were doctors and nurses scattered about and it wasn't a big room. I go in to see Glen, and look over his x-ray with him as he lays on the hospital bed.
After a few minutes, a nurse enters the room, and points toward his leg. The following dialog ensues:
Nurse (pointing to Glen's injured leg): We are going to have to remove that..
Glen: ...
YDH: ...what?!!
Nurse: I am referring to his shorts, of course. We have to remove his shorts so we can conduct a test.
YDH (jokingly indignant): Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! YOU cannot just walk into this man's room, and point at his leg, saying "we are going to have to remove that" Hasn't this man been through enough without you entering his room and making him think, albeit for a split second, that you were going to have to amputate?!!!
Nurse (Defensive, clearly not amused): I was just pointing to his shorts, I wasn't talking about --
YDH (interrupting): I don't want to hear it! What ever happened to bedside manner??!
Nurse: Just get out.
I was kicked out.
The upside was that Glen was thoroughly amused by this exchange between the two of us. He told me later that after I was unceremoniously ejected from the room, the nurse and Glen had the following conversation:
Nurse: Was that guy your friend?
Glen: Yeah.
Nurse: Uh, yeah. At first, I thought he was cute... but then he opened his mouth. That was the end of that.
Awesome.
Andy shows off his "A-game"
David, Andy, and I go to McFadden's along with a few other friends I met up with who were already there. This night was already somewhat of an anomaly since I was the DD. However, it seems that whenever I appoint myself such, the strangest things happen. This evening was no different. As the night progresses, I sip on a couple of beers while Andy and David proceed to do jager-bomb after jager-bomb. Cool, going to be a DD and babysitter in one night!
For about twenty or so minutes, I engage in conversation with some other people. When I turn around, Andy and David were missing. Time ticked by, and this no longer could have possible been a routine bathroom break, and while they were drunk, they were not sloppy/vomiting drunk. Could they...*gasp*...be talking to...women?! Initially, I eschewed this possibility, but when I took a walk around the bar, it appeared as though Hell had indeed frozen over! Andy and David were talking to a group of three females, and get this, the girls looked mildly interested!! I decide that despite the fact that there were three girls, I would sit this one out for a couple of reasons - I really wasn't attracted to any of them, and if I entered the conversation, the other two would have been severely upstaged even in my sober condition. So, like a proud parent of an honor student, I just stood a few feet away and watched with arms crossed and a smile on my face. However, it didn't last long..
No sooner than I thought to myself, "wow, looks like they have this situation under control, I'll return to my table" - Andy gets one of his world-famous nosebleeds. He gets them every so often, and I've seen him get one once or twice since I've known him, but NEVER in a crowded social situation! He immediately clenches his nose and runs to the bathroom. In case this wasn't entertaining enough for me, it turns out that unbeknownst to the girl he was talking to, he had bled a little bit onto her arm. I realize that it's only a matter of time before the girl notices, so I decide to start walking away from the inevitable trainwreck. I get about five steps away when I hear, "OH MY GOD! WAAAAAAAAH!" and the three girls leave the bar in a hurry. I am so glad I never entered the conversation and introduced myself. Poor David.
The Beach Ball Incident
Same night, same bar. I am standing by our table, talking to a group of friends, sipping on a beer that was ordered about thirty minutes ago. It was warm. Being a DD sucks ass. I probably won't do it again for another six months. Anyway, somehow, a beach ball worked its way from the dance floor into the lounge area, and people were hitting it around. This was fine with me, until this goofy-looking guy grabbed the ball. I think I was just getting tired at this point, because I immediately decided that I didn't like him. I am for the mostly turned away from him, but am watching peripherally. He decides that he is going to punt the ball. I will not allow such stupidity from someone who I arbitrarily dislike, and right as he goes to punt it, I put my beer down, turned, and lunge at him right when he kicks the ball. I completely block the punt with my hand, hard, and the ball slams off of his face. The bar erupts with an "OHHHHHHHHHH!" I walk over to him as he is still startled and yell, "GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I then resume sipping on my beer as though nothing happened. Fuck him.
YDH is King of the Old-School Nintendo
As most of you already know, I am better than you at video games.
Note: Now I can already think of a handful of you who are going to object to this claim and cite an example of a video game that you are better than me at, and to that I say, ok. There will always be a game that I have not played enough or at all to compete with an expert, but if you give me enough time to practice, I will surpass you.
Also, the above clarification only applies to newer games. I am the king of all that is 16-bit and below, no exceptions. Anyway, I was challenged to a bout of RBI Baseball by one Nicole Morris. She had the audacity to claim that she would be able to beat me, and appended this ridiculous claim with more trash talking. I vaguely recall my mother being targeted by said trash talking, but details are uncertain.
Well, the point of this entry is not to gloat about the way I mercilessly destroyed her 15-0 in five innings thus invoking the slaughter rule and prematurely ending the game, but rather, I wanted to recognize the class she demonstrated after her defeat. She wrote me a Formal Letter of Apology. I encourage you to read it, as she has raised the bar for the classy way to be defeated by yours truly, or anyone else in a video game for that matter. It certainly beats the John W. Maher technique of bitching, screaming, throwing the controller at the tv, and attempting to pass out on top of the washer and dryer.
Young Whores, Be Free Tonight!
I decide to grab a late dinner at Panera Bread. Instead of take out, I eat there, since I often get the French Onion Soup and enjoy the atmosphere to catch up on some reading. (Yes, I'm getting old, shut up)
While I'm waiting for my order to come out, I notice a group of three giggly girls of the age of about thirteen or fourteen, looking at me. Fatigued by a long day at work and a six mile run, I ignore this. I take my food to an empty booth, and carry on with my book. Sure enough, they take the booth behind me, despite the fact that there were about thirty other spots. I tune out their noise for a good fifteen minutes, and they leave the restaurant. Suddenly, I hear a loud knocking on the window from the outside, and I look out... it's one of the girls. Now that she has my attention, she turns around and begins swirling her ass around against the window, and the runs off.
...
Kids these days. Whatever happened to passing the a note that asked Do you like me? __Yes __No
Well, I have a few more stories, but they will have to wait. I have fulfilled my journal updating obligations.
-YDH
Good evening. Welcome to Scharfer-piece Theater. Tonight's entry will consist of a series of short entries. A.D.D. readers rejoice!
YDH vs. A Moderately Attractive Hospital Nurse
A couple of weeks ago, at our company picnic, a coworker and friend of mine named Glen severely injured his leg during our annual kickball game. The ground was wet from an earlier storm, and he lost his footing and ended up dislocating his knee pretty badly. To make a long story short, 911 was called, ambulances came, and Glen was transported to Mt. Vernon Hospital. I, along with two others, followed the ambulance to wait with Glen at the hospital until his family arrived.
Since his family was coming from Stafford (a good forty-five minutes away), we stood to be there for some time. They told the three of us that only one person could go see Glen at the time because there were doctors and nurses scattered about and it wasn't a big room. I go in to see Glen, and look over his x-ray with him as he lays on the hospital bed.
After a few minutes, a nurse enters the room, and points toward his leg. The following dialog ensues:
Nurse (pointing to Glen's injured leg): We are going to have to remove that..
Glen: ...
YDH: ...what?!!
Nurse: I am referring to his shorts, of course. We have to remove his shorts so we can conduct a test.
YDH (jokingly indignant): Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! YOU cannot just walk into this man's room, and point at his leg, saying "we are going to have to remove that" Hasn't this man been through enough without you entering his room and making him think, albeit for a split second, that you were going to have to amputate?!!!
Nurse (Defensive, clearly not amused): I was just pointing to his shorts, I wasn't talking about --
YDH (interrupting): I don't want to hear it! What ever happened to bedside manner??!
Nurse: Just get out.
I was kicked out.
The upside was that Glen was thoroughly amused by this exchange between the two of us. He told me later that after I was unceremoniously ejected from the room, the nurse and Glen had the following conversation:
Nurse: Was that guy your friend?
Glen: Yeah.
Nurse: Uh, yeah. At first, I thought he was cute... but then he opened his mouth. That was the end of that.
Awesome.
Andy shows off his "A-game"
David, Andy, and I go to McFadden's along with a few other friends I met up with who were already there. This night was already somewhat of an anomaly since I was the DD. However, it seems that whenever I appoint myself such, the strangest things happen. This evening was no different. As the night progresses, I sip on a couple of beers while Andy and David proceed to do jager-bomb after jager-bomb. Cool, going to be a DD and babysitter in one night!
For about twenty or so minutes, I engage in conversation with some other people. When I turn around, Andy and David were missing. Time ticked by, and this no longer could have possible been a routine bathroom break, and while they were drunk, they were not sloppy/vomiting drunk. Could they...*gasp*...be talking to...women?! Initially, I eschewed this possibility, but when I took a walk around the bar, it appeared as though Hell had indeed frozen over! Andy and David were talking to a group of three females, and get this, the girls looked mildly interested!! I decide that despite the fact that there were three girls, I would sit this one out for a couple of reasons - I really wasn't attracted to any of them, and if I entered the conversation, the other two would have been severely upstaged even in my sober condition. So, like a proud parent of an honor student, I just stood a few feet away and watched with arms crossed and a smile on my face. However, it didn't last long..
No sooner than I thought to myself, "wow, looks like they have this situation under control, I'll return to my table" - Andy gets one of his world-famous nosebleeds. He gets them every so often, and I've seen him get one once or twice since I've known him, but NEVER in a crowded social situation! He immediately clenches his nose and runs to the bathroom. In case this wasn't entertaining enough for me, it turns out that unbeknownst to the girl he was talking to, he had bled a little bit onto her arm. I realize that it's only a matter of time before the girl notices, so I decide to start walking away from the inevitable trainwreck. I get about five steps away when I hear, "OH MY GOD! WAAAAAAAAH!" and the three girls leave the bar in a hurry. I am so glad I never entered the conversation and introduced myself. Poor David.
The Beach Ball Incident
Same night, same bar. I am standing by our table, talking to a group of friends, sipping on a beer that was ordered about thirty minutes ago. It was warm. Being a DD sucks ass. I probably won't do it again for another six months. Anyway, somehow, a beach ball worked its way from the dance floor into the lounge area, and people were hitting it around. This was fine with me, until this goofy-looking guy grabbed the ball. I think I was just getting tired at this point, because I immediately decided that I didn't like him. I am for the mostly turned away from him, but am watching peripherally. He decides that he is going to punt the ball. I will not allow such stupidity from someone who I arbitrarily dislike, and right as he goes to punt it, I put my beer down, turned, and lunge at him right when he kicks the ball. I completely block the punt with my hand, hard, and the ball slams off of his face. The bar erupts with an "OHHHHHHHHHH!" I walk over to him as he is still startled and yell, "GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I then resume sipping on my beer as though nothing happened. Fuck him.
YDH is King of the Old-School Nintendo
As most of you already know, I am better than you at video games.
Note: Now I can already think of a handful of you who are going to object to this claim and cite an example of a video game that you are better than me at, and to that I say, ok. There will always be a game that I have not played enough or at all to compete with an expert, but if you give me enough time to practice, I will surpass you.
Also, the above clarification only applies to newer games. I am the king of all that is 16-bit and below, no exceptions. Anyway, I was challenged to a bout of RBI Baseball by one Nicole Morris. She had the audacity to claim that she would be able to beat me, and appended this ridiculous claim with more trash talking. I vaguely recall my mother being targeted by said trash talking, but details are uncertain.
Well, the point of this entry is not to gloat about the way I mercilessly destroyed her 15-0 in five innings thus invoking the slaughter rule and prematurely ending the game, but rather, I wanted to recognize the class she demonstrated after her defeat. She wrote me a Formal Letter of Apology. I encourage you to read it, as she has raised the bar for the classy way to be defeated by yours truly, or anyone else in a video game for that matter. It certainly beats the John W. Maher technique of bitching, screaming, throwing the controller at the tv, and attempting to pass out on top of the washer and dryer.
Young Whores, Be Free Tonight!
I decide to grab a late dinner at Panera Bread. Instead of take out, I eat there, since I often get the French Onion Soup and enjoy the atmosphere to catch up on some reading. (Yes, I'm getting old, shut up)
While I'm waiting for my order to come out, I notice a group of three giggly girls of the age of about thirteen or fourteen, looking at me. Fatigued by a long day at work and a six mile run, I ignore this. I take my food to an empty booth, and carry on with my book. Sure enough, they take the booth behind me, despite the fact that there were about thirty other spots. I tune out their noise for a good fifteen minutes, and they leave the restaurant. Suddenly, I hear a loud knocking on the window from the outside, and I look out... it's one of the girls. Now that she has my attention, she turns around and begins swirling her ass around against the window, and the runs off.
...
Kids these days. Whatever happened to passing the a note that asked Do you like me? __Yes __No
Well, I have a few more stories, but they will have to wait. I have fulfilled my journal updating obligations.
-YDH
